Your palms are sweating. Your heart lodges itself into your throat, and you can no longer swallow. You wonder if you’re having a heart attack.
If only you could be that lucky.
No, it’s the 5 seconds between you coming up with something clever to say and meeting that complete stranger for the first time. Oh, and that complete strange happens to be your Boss, your future in-law, or that co-worker you’re going to be sitting next to for the indefinite future.
It’s the Awkward Introduction.
“So I heard that you’re no good at cooking.”
“No! I mean that you don’t like cooking and I mean that I am no good at cooking and I agree with you that I don’t like cooking because I’m no good at it.”
Yeah, you still didn’t get it right. And no, that wasn’t clever.
At all.
You now get to spend the next hour and a half (that’s 90 minutes …. which also happens to be five thousand seconds) trying to recover from your terrible, terrible comment because that’s the table you were assigned to, and yes, you do have to sit in that chair because don’t you see your name on the placard?
That’s the second dumb thing you’ve said.
Now you get to sit uncomfortably in the middle of the table, coincidentally in-between the two funniest people in the room (in the world?) who deliver original joke after original joke that would earn them thousands should they wish to pursue a career in comedy.
Now your only company is the frog lodged in your throat because you’ve already used up your benefit-of-the-doubt.
Twice.
…
Finally. The tile screeches as a couple of chair legs drag across the floor, signaling the beginning of the end of the gathering.
The invisible clock begins ticking in your head. How soon is too soon? How long is too awkward? Do they wish you were already gone?
After you wait what seems like an appropriate time (it’s been 20 minutes, but it seems like 3 years), you make your move.
“Thank y’all so much! It was so nice to meet everyone!” Liar.
You walk out the door (don’t run, don’t run) and shut it behind you, imagining all the gossip that started the moment everyone heard the door click.
You rush home, longing to “veg” and forget about the episode. You walk over and click on the computer and get yourself a glass of water.
And then you sit down and begin to blog about the experience.
This seems rather familiar. You must have dined at MY house but I can't remember when.
ReplyDeleteTruth is, I've done this at more houses than I'd like to remember.
ReplyDeleteSo there IS a distinct possibility that your house was included in one of these.
We all over-analyze those important meetings. They may not have gone well, but they rarely go as bad as we remember. You need to look in the mirror and smile at the guy looking back and remind him that he is OK. Tell him that he is interesting and kind.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with every word Tabor wrote, but I would add one little doubt. How can the charming, witty guy who writes here, not always be like that? Impossible. I'm sure you mis-read the whole experience. And when you left, the table I picure the table falling silent because you were no longer there to instigate enjoyable, thought-provoking conversation. :)
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't have had you pegged as socially awkward. I know a few folks with social anxiety, myself included to some degree. But Tabor is 100% on the mark. You're clever, funny and interesting to those of us who read you. All of that is real. Let it show in social situations and quit worrying about the voice inside your head that only YOU can hear.
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ReplyDeleteThe only thing one should ever say in these situations is "It is wonderful to meet you. I am excited to work with you (or get to know you or whatever platitude seems apt)" and then you smile an nonthreatening smile and get the hell out of there.
ReplyDeleteThank y'all for the wonderful comments :)
ReplyDeleteAs y'all have guessed, I'm usually pretty good in social situations. However, last week I slipped up a little when I met the CEO of our company for the first time (it was pretty bad).
I actually went through a bout of social awkwardness and recently have kind of come out of it.
Last week was a reminder of how real these emotions can be.
Yep...awkwardness. May I suggest a glass of wine or a beer as opposed to the glass of water to be consumed during the blogging process? Xanax perhaps, prior to the potentially awkward meeting? :-) You've gotta do what you've gotta do.
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